What I Deserve

There's a thought that I've been mulling over for the past week or two. It might be more of a concept than a thought, but putting here allows me to think more and work out the idea more. It all boils down to how we treat ourselves. We've all heard the old adage "we're all our own worst critics", or something along those lines. 

I come from a background of selflessness. It was taught to me, whether explicitly or not, that I should do things for others before I do anything for myself. Hold the door. Don't take the last slice of pizza. Do the favor someone asks. Don't be selfish. But I also wasn't taught to set boundaries. I wasn't taught that it was okay to say no when I was busy or uncomfortable. 

What this lead to is more than selflessness. It was self-sacrifice. I always put myself last, if I even made my list. I helped people and did the favors and took the extra workload. And yes, it put me in situations that I'm embarrassed about now. Some of those situations were not my fault. But because I was selfless I was a good person. I wanted to be the one to help and do the thing that needed to be done because that made me good and important even if I felt empty when I was alone. 

This kind of self-sacrifice lead me to two places. First, my self worth was placed outside of myself. It was about what others thought of me. Which lead to the second place, self neglect and guilt. If I put my needs or desires before other people then I was being selfish and careless and bad. Obviously this put me in a lot of tough situations, but the most recent one has to do with my health. 

I have put my health needs on a back burner for too long. I always had a list of reasons why my health needs could be put off. It was no insurance, or no money for the copay, or (as one of my friends put it recently) I'm young and I'll bounce back. So I ignored my health needs which, of course, has been bad for my health. 

As I sat in the waiting room for an appointment that it took me an entire month to schedule my brain battled between this self-sacrifice and a new concept that I've been fighting to grasp: I deserve to be well. 

Yeah. It seems simple, but I've seen it in so many folks. I deserve to be well. To feel well. To be healthy. 

My brain was fighting. Half of me wanted to walk out of the waiting room. The other half made me fill out the new patient form. I had to remind myself that it's okay to take care of myself. I deserve this... and in case you need the reminder, so do you. 

It's an ongoing struggle. I'm working my way out of the mindset of brazen self-sacrifice and neglect. I know that before every appointment my anxieties will grow louder, telling me that I can't afford this and I don't really need to see this doctor or that therapist. But another voice that's growing stronger shushes those anxieties and tells me that this is the right thing to do for me. And that doing something for myself is okay. In fact, this is what I deserve. 

-DG

Welcome to my TED talk...

 I've started journaling. Why doesn't spellcheck think journaling is a word? It's been interesting so far. I used to call myself a writer because I actually wrote things. But I haven't written anything much beyond meeting notes and grocery lists in the past couple of years. Journalling has really helped me get back into that feeling that writing gives me. It's a feeling of my thoughts organizing themselves and flowing from my brain to hand and pen to paper. 

My most recent journal prompt was 'If you had to give a TED talk tomorrow, what would it be about and why?' Interestingly, at least to me, the response came to me very quickly. I think it'd be easy to jump to some hobby or craft and do your middle school This-Is-How-To-Do-A-Thing idea. TED talks are more than that. They make me think of Brene Brown and Steve Jobs; people with big ideas to whom public speaking is as simple as tying your shoe. Even tying shoes takes practice though. 

My response though is both personal and public. So here's pretty much verbatim my journal entry: 

Either one of two things but maybe they're kind of the same thing.

Some times when I reflect back on my behavior when I was young I get embarrassed. Why was I so awkwardly loud and attention-seeking but only in the places I was very comfortable? I could turn green with the retro-shame. I also think about the poor choices I made. But this kind of reflection leads me to two conclusions.

First it makes me think about my experiences when I was a child, teen, and young adult. I can reflect on how my subconscious coped with trauma and the different experiences. Recognizing those experiences and learned responses helps me see what I've already done to mature beyond that awkward phase and those inappropriate feelings and behaviors. Also I can see where I have room to grow. 

So that all is part one - why it's important to reflect on our pasts and to give yourself grace because we don't always react and behave the ways we want to but that doesn't mean we can't grow and change.

The other half of this is about having grace for others. We don't know their life experiences or how they feel about their own behaviors. Make room for others to grow too. Also I believe there is beauty in everyone. They may have buried it deep for whatever reason, but the beauty is there. 

Be kind as much as you can.

The only addendum I'll make to this as a public post is that our past experiences and trauma do not excuse us from the consequences of our actions today. There are no 'get out of jail free' cards in real life. All of our actions have consequences and we're responsible for our actions and reactions today. If we don't like our actions or reactions then it's up to us to change them.

-DG

Toxic Positivity: A Poison Paradise

First of all, yes, that title is a Britney Spears reference. Moving on. I want to talk about toxic positivity. I want to preface this by saying that I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or any such profession. This is a topic that is important and somewhat new to me. I am offering my perspective on toxic positivity.

Have you ever seen a tshirt or canvas wall art that reads "Positive Vibes Only"? To be fair, even I own a shirt with this phrase. To continue fairness, life isn't only positive vibes. I mean it's not even all happy times in Neverland - Wendy is kidnapped, Tinkerbell is kidnapped, Hook is terrified of crocodile (which is totally legit). But what is toxic positivity? Great question, friend. 

Toxic positivity is the concept of only having a positive outlook or attitude despite any other feelings, physical or emotional. If you live by a strict 'positive vibes only' mantra then there's no room to explore the rest of our emotions. It's unhealthy to only focus on and project positivity. It's unhealthy to ignore our pain and sadness. It's a poison paradise to live in a place of only projecting a positive outlook when you genuinely are not feeling happy. It invalidates our emotions and experiences. 

Unfortunately, it's easy to be guilty of this kind of attitude. I know I have been. You just want to encourage someone so you say "everything will be okay." Whether or not a situation will end up being okay isn't the question. And it's not bad to hope that it will be okay. But in the moment, we ignore what we're feeling, and that's the issue here. 

As I said I am not a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. So I'll refer you to some resources for stopping toxic positivity and helping up change our responses. But I also want to clarify the difference between this concept and optimism. 

Optimism is a hope for the future. It's not just hoping things will get better though. Optimism does not mean ignoring injustice, bullying, or violence. It is a hope that through our actions we can stop injustices. Obviously we cannot predict the future, but we can create change. We can have hope that our choices and actions matter because they do. What we do right now can affect how we see the situation and how we react to it. 

Optimism is hope in ourselves and what we can actually do right now. It's not 'fake it til you make it'. That attitude is also toxic. Hope is tricky topic Hope requires trust - in ourselves and others. It's also an expectation - that the future will be a certain way. But to change how the future will be is to choose how we respond. 

We cannot say everything will be okay. We can acknowledge our feelings in the moment and the bad experiences themselves. We can also decide how we will behave and respond to make a better future. 

Here are some resources for shutting down toxic positivity: 

Don't Always Look on the Brightside - Psychology Today
What is Toxic Positivity - Health.com
Time to ditch 'toxic positivity' - Washington Post
How to Avoid Toxic Positivity and Focus on Your Emotional Wellbeing - Bestow.com

-DG

Something like a Beginning

It's January again... somehow. In case you're reading this somewhere from the distant future, we just got out of 2020 - a year of unbelievable crises. It started with wildfires in Australia that destroyed thousands of acres of land and everyone wanted to #savethekoalas. And then a pandemic began to ravage the world. Somehow the fact that there is a virus that has literally killed thousand up on thousands became politicized. So did the murders of people of color by police officers. There were protests and riots and.... nothing has changed yet. 2020 is also the final year of a certain unbecoming fellow's presidency. It's been a hell of a ride, and it's struggles aren't over just because it's not 2020 anymore.

I'm not here to blow politics, but to commune in our humanity. There's a singer-songwriter, a beautiful soul, that I really enjoy by the name of Kina. She wrote a lovely song called 'For Now'. In the song she sings:

Sometimes I think about the ones that we've replaced
All the millions underneath the burnt and waste
And I get sad, because of course we'll be the same
All of history collapsing in its wake

The message is that we're not on this planet for long. We'll come and go just like the millions before us. But we are all here right now together and that's got to mean something. It brings us together in a kind of community. A community of something near 8 billion. It's not a small community truthfully, but who else is going to support us if not for the others who are here with us. 

It's January again. A time of setting new goals and dreams. Some folks see January 1 as false sense of newness and beginning. But it's as good a time as any to start anew. It's more symbolic of a new start because we have a new calendar with a new number. It's a whole new time that we've never experienced.

Truly every day is new. A new beginning to start fresh. That's a mindset that I'm working to embrace. Because it's so easy to go "oh, another Tuesday. what do I do on Tuesdays?" and then do the same things with the same attitude as always. BUT - it's a different Tuesday. We've never lived this exact Tuesday before and we never will again. It's a fresh, new Tuesday with a new cup of coffee and a new wind blowing and a new chance to support your community and feel that love and support as well.

Let's treat each day as a beginning. That seems like something that could change our corner of the world. 

-DG

Listen to For Now - Kina Grannis here.